Kalamazoo Mediator Blog

The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage-Think Before you Move-In

Jeff Murphy — Tue, 17 Apr 2012 21:20:09 +0000

A recent study showed that couples who began their lives together by co-habiting before marriage had a higher rate of divorce than those who waited until the knot was tied. (The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage-nytimes.com)
Considering that 50% of all marriages already end in divorce, it seems counter-intuitive that having a “test-run” would cause even more break-ups.
Most “20-somethings” think it makes sense to live together before taking the plunge. But the evidence is different. It seems that in reality, people have a lower standard for moving in than they do for making a “Death Do Us Part” commitment. Couples think that co-habitation is a low risk choice with an easy way out if it doesn’t work.
But it doesn’t happen that way. Once the relationship is underway, (it usually starts with a few and then frequent sleepovers, followed by a decision to save money and have one pad), it becomes almost as difficult to end as does a traditional marriage. There is property to be divided, and there may even be children to be supported. Also, there’s a problem of admitting a mistake was made. So the couple slides into a marriage that would never have taken place if the hard question, “Do I want to commit to this person for the rest of my life?”had been asked before they stated down the slippery slope.
So-think before you move-in.

No Divorcing Please, We’re British

Jeff Murphy — Tue, 10 Apr 2012 14:43:36 +0000

We have “no-fault divorce” here in the States, but in the U.K. a party suuing for divorce still has to prove cause. Officially the grounds are such serious matters as adultery and abandonment, but it seems the courts will take just about anything presented.

Check out the Saturday April 7, 2012 issue of the new York Times “Tuna Again? In Fault-Finding England, It’s a Cause for Divorce”.

Some of the incredible reasons given are:

He made her dress in a Klingon costume and talk to him in Klingon

She tampered with the TV antenna and threw out his cold cuts

He hadn’t spoken to her in 15 years, communicating only with Post-it notes

He would put on her clothes and stretched out her best outfits (She’s tiny-he’s 6′3)

Worst of all he controlled the TV clicker and surfed channels too fast.

Read the article, it’s funny and sad.

Is it time to go?

Jeff Murphy — Wed, 04 Apr 2012 16:39:02 +0000

Check out the article about divorce counseling in the personal Journal section of the April 3, 2012 issue of the Wall Street journal: www.wsj.com.

Instead of the normal couples counseling aimed at resolving issues and preserving the relationship, there is a new method called “discernment counseling” the goal of which appears to be to focus on the decision to divorce itself and if that is the decision, how to make it least painful or stressful for the one left behind.

How is nagging working out for you?

Jeff Murphy — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 17:28:05 +0000

Which is more destructive of a marriage, a face to face argument or with a beginning, a middle and an end, or routine everyday nagging?

A good fight can clear the air on an issue and might lead to some post fight “make up” sessions, but low grade nagging tends to lead to unspoken resentment and long term development of a cold relationship.

Sometimes, it might be better if the person who feels his/her partner is in non-stop nagging mode… More

Holiday Parenting Part III

Jeff Murphy — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:06:34 +0000

In Part II, I suggested that you avoid bad-mouthing your “ex”. It ruins the holiday spirit and can come back to bite you when the kids learn to bad mouth you. Christmas is the season of goodwill and peace. Why not use it as an opportunity to actually improve your relationship with your “ex”, even if it is only for the sake of your children? You might find yourself less bitter and angry and better able to focus on your future.

Here’s another hint that’s good for your relationship with your children and can save you money as well. Don’t try to buy your children’s loyalty and effection when buying Christmas gifts and toys. Your kids are smarter than you and they know you’re only trying to outdo your “ex”. What you’re actually doing is teaching them to manipulate both parents.

Another good idea to teach your kids the right way to live is to have them pick one or more toys to donate to the Marine Corp’s ” Toys for Tots”. Christmas isn’t only about their getting presents themselves, but about giving something to others who might have much less.

Merry Christmas

Holiday Parenting Part II

Jeff Murphy — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 15:41:31 +0000

In Part I, I recommended that you contact your “ex” before the holiday rush to confirm that he/she was going to live up to the parenting schedule you had worked out before.

Here in Part II, I want to remind you that it’s you and your spouse who divorced and not your kids. They didn’t file for divorce, you did. If you or your ex is bad mouthing the other in front of the kids, remember they will learn to bad mouth you. “What goes around, comes around”.

Your kids will cope better with your divorce if they see that you both treat each other with respect, expecially in how you each talk about and handle their parenting schedule.

Make it a good holiday for your kids!

Holiday Parenting Doesn’t Have To Be A “War of the Roses” Part I

Jeff Murphy — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 22:46:32 +0000

This is the first in a series of short blogs to help you avoid a parenting problem in the next few weeks – the dreaded “Holidays”.

It’s a shame so much stress and tension surrounds Thanksgiving and Christmas. Too many movies are made about the sometimes ugly get-togethers with relatives who don’t get along the rest of the year and don’t want to see each other now, but feel obliged to. Added to this is the problem of divorced couples with less than perfect parenting plans and the uncertainty as to whether the “ex” will live up to holiday schedules made at the time of the divorce. Divorce lawyers all have stories of phone calls received just days before Christmas from clients demanding help to get the ex to live up to the schedule. The caller has found out too late that his/her ex is taking the kids to New York to visit his/her family when they were supposed to be here with his/her family from Iowa.

If you haven’t checked lately with your “ex”, there’s still plenty of time to make a call or send an email to find out whether he/she’s going to meet his/her obligations or if you will have to have the lawyer obtain a court order in your favor. Don’t wait until December 23rd to find out.

Sure you want to do this? a 2nd Marriage-Hope v. Experience

Jeff Murphy — Mon, 03 Oct 2011 19:38:04 +0000

Nineteen percent of all marriages in 2008 were a second go-round for at least one party. If there were problems that led to a divorce in the first marriage, how sure are you that you won’t repeat them again in the second?

The Wall Street Journal, September 20, 2011, page D1, has an excellent article on the questions you should ask yourself before you dive into the pool again.

1. Why? Is it for financial security, a parent for your kids, or the promise of a new life?

2. Make a list of what you want and don’t want from your new partner and marriage. Will he or she meet those wants or are you just afraid of being alone?

3. Discuss money upfront. Consider separate finances.

There’s more in the article.

Good luck.

The Child Focused Divorce- Wall Street Journal Article

Jeff Murphy — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 14:52:48 +0000

On September 6, 2011 the Journal published an article on children and divorce in its Personal Journal section (D1)

The article contained some standard advice on how to establish parenting plans for post divorce life that put the “best interests of the children” first. The suggestions were based on the idea that the parents divorced, not the children and that even couples who hated each other could develop workable plans.

Oi vay! You should read the comments sent to the paper from disgruntled parents and the children of divorce. You would think that trying to get along for the sake of the kids was a crime. One letter to the editor from a child whose parents had divorced 40 years ago preferred couples who kept fighting instead of faking cooperation.

Mediators are called on regularly to help cooperating couples establish these plans. (Sometimes we have to educate them about the wisdom of cooperating – Dads who are not given enough time with their kids have a greater likelihood of skipping support payments).

It may be true that there is a bit of hypocrisy in cooperating with your soon-to-be- ex(didn’t you get a divorce because you couldn’t stand the other person?), but it’s better than keeeping up a fight that only hurts the kids.

Pointing Fingers Part 2 : “Entourage”

Jeff Murphy — Thu, 18 Aug 2011 17:49:42 +0000

The latest episode of “Entourage” on HBO (Sunday August 14, 2011) reminded me of a blog I wrote on January 17th, entitled “Pointing Fingers”. In the Entourage episode, Ari Gold, the talent agent, arrives late for his marriage counseling session with his wife. She explodes in anger and refuses to even listen to his legitimate excuse (Ari’s client, movie star Vince Chase, has been at the scene of a drug related suicide) The wife stomps out of the session; Ari gets revenge and humiliates his wife by having a dinner date with an old flame in public.

This tracks my Pointing Fingers blog in which I mentioned the Tucson shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords and how everyone blamed their political enemies for the shooting when in fact it was the work of a lone madman.

Fights between couples go the same way: No one wants facts to interfere with their opinions. “He was late because he’s a bum”– forget the facts.

And Lord how the money rolls in for the divorce lawyers.

Divorce the Fair Way-Mediate, don’t Litigate.